Film Previews

September

The Wicker Man (1st) - Nicholas Cage plays our favorite woven fiber superhero in this movie adapted from the critically acclaimed origin story (you know the one!).  ... okay I'm lying.  It's some horror movie... I guess about a guy made of wicker... ooooooo scary.  Seriously WTF?!

Jet Li's Fearless (22nd) - Jet Li's last movie!  This fills me with sadness.  But it was not made in Hollywood!  This fills me with joy.  Fun Fact:  The chinese title is "Huo Yuan Jia", which means... um... I dunno, probably "Jet Li's last movie which isn't made in Hollywood which means it won't suck and you should go see it", but that's just an educated guess.

Jackass Number Two (22nd) - Idiots show us why evolution works.  Please don't give them money.

Open Season (29th) - A CGI movie!  With talking animals!  How original!  I think I would have preferred a remake.

Sicko (TBA) - Michael Moore attacks the US healthcare system and then attacks 100 bacon cheeseburgers.  Irony?

October

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (4th) - I think I'm just gonna spoil the movie for everyone: A psycho buys a chainsaw.  There!  Hah!  Hm?  What brand?  Well I guess you'll have to go see the movie and find out.

The Grudge 2 (13th) - You know why he has a grudge?  He wasn't allowed outside to play.  This is also why he has such pasty skin.  I would like to comment on the fact that these Grudge movies are directed the original Japanese Grudge directory.  It's so nice the Japanese are remaking their own movies for American audiences.  You know 'cause it would be a shame if an American is forced to go to a movie and READ SUBTITLES.  That is true horror.

Man of the Year (13th) - No it's not about Chuck Norris.  It's about Robin Williams becoming president.  That doesn't seem so bad.

DOA: Dead or Alive (20th) - Girls!  Bikinis!  Volleyball!  Ninjas!!  How could such an awesome premise suck so much?  It's a video game movie, that's how.  Corey Yeun directs though... so maybe... just maybe... nah.

The Prestige (20th) - Batman  and Wolverine are rival magicians!  And they get accused of murder!  Awesome!

Marrie Antoinette (20th) - Kirsten Dunsten will simply loose her head over this role!  AHAHAHAHAHAHA... hahaha... haha........ ha... moving on...

November

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (3rd) - The only escape is not to go.

A Good Year & Harsh Times (10th) - I think these movies cancel each other out.  Hey Batman is in Harsh Times!

Casino Royale (17th) - A Peter Seller's comedy about James Bond remade into a serious movie about James Bond.  Wait, there's no such thing as a serious James Bond movie.  And why does Bond look like he's been beaten with the ugly stick!?

The Fountain (22nd) - Wolverine searches for a metric millennium for the secret to eternal life.  Which is dumb, cause he's WOLVERINE!  WOLVERINE CAN'T DIE!

December

Eragon (15th) - It's about dragons.  But it's spelled wrong.  Though it has Jeremy Irons is in it, and his track record with fantasy movies is pretty good you know.

Charlotte's Web (20th) - KILL THE SPIDER!  EAT THE PIG!!

Rocky Balboa (22nd) - Rocky comes out of retirement for one last fight!  Awesome!

2007

Coming Soon...